NEVER THE TWAIN? (Part 4/31)
AUTHOR: Zahir
ARCHIVING: Just ask is all.
FEEDBACK: Please!
NOTES: This is an AU, in which Willow never complete the Soul Restoration Spell on Angelus. From that moment, all things change. Among other changes, Faith never worked for the Mayor and Tara is a vampire. And nobody's seen Spike in awhile.
SPOILERS: Pretty much all through the series, but this one centers on "Something Blue" from Season Four and includes a few bits from "Angel."
DISCLAIMER: I'm playing with somebody else's toys here--specifically Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. But my only profit is applause. So maybe they won't sue me?
SPECIAL THANKS: To all the nice folks who've given me feedback so far. And to Colleen, who came up with what happens to Wesley in this one.
COUPLES: W/T (kinda, sorta), B/F (ditto) and X/Ay.
RATING: PG-13 (unless you're a bit uptight, in which case you might call it R).

* * *

"How's that hangover coming?"

"Fine," mumbled Willow. "Going along its merry, nerve-shredding way. I'm not doing too good, though."

"Oh, Wil," Buffy murmured to her best friend.

"No, its okay. Really. The parade is winding down. People'll be by to clean up the mess any day now." The red-haired witch didn't, quite, whisper. But using her full voice was still a daunting prospect.

"Well," Buffy said, "at least you've learned that method of drowning only works on brain cells." She said this in a tone that experience said would earn a smile. But her friend didn't even react. Just stared into nowhere. Saying nothing for nearly a minute.

"I just wanted," Willow said at last, "the pain to go away. You know?"

"Yeah," said the Slayer. Memories flickered across her face for a moment. "I do."

At that, Willow looked up. "Was it like this when you had to...I mean...when Angel, or Angelus--"

"I think so."

The awkward silence that followed was broken by the phone. Although the dorm room belonged to both girls (for this semester, anyway), Buffy answered. Her roommate didn't even try. Buffy's "hello?" was soon followed by "Hey, Giles. What's up?" Willow barely noticed how the blonde's posture changed as she listened. What she did catch were Buffy's last words.

"I'll be right over."

"What?" She didn't say it, really. More like bleated the word. "Where're you going?" The Slayer was already slipping on a jacket.

"Faith is back. And no--" Buffy saw an idea spring into Willow's mind, "Oz isn't with her. Turns out she was on some kind of errand, and brought something back for Wesley and Giles. Anyway, I really have to go." She was already backing up towards the door.

"But do you have to go right now? Right this minute?"

Buffy didn't look her in the eye. "I'll call Xander to come over and keep you company."

"No." Willow's expression had gone from upset to sullen. "Don't bother."

"You sure?"

"Positive. I'll go over there myself." After another moment's hesitation, Buffy left.

* * *

"She ran off the first chance she got! Just ran!" Willow wasn't yelling but her voice still echoed in Xander's basement apartment. Both Xander and his girlfriend, Anya, flinched. "Like I was the dishes that can get washed tomorrow when there's time!"

"Wil," said Xander, "don't take this the wrong way..." He hesitated at the look she gave him. Then, "The last few days, you've basically been repeating yourself. After a certain point, well, what's Buffy supposed to do?"

"Be there for me! Listen to me!"

"Hasn't she? On both counts?"

"Xander..." whatever dangerous words Willow had been about to say were stopped when Anya interrupted.

"Faith's back, you said?" Anya, oblivious of many (well, most) social nuances, asked this in a very chipper tone. She took Willow's silence as agreement, missing the warning look from her boyfriend. "She's probably really really glad to have another Slayer around," she said, nodding as if this explained all. "Cause Faith's been gone awhile. Buffy's missed her."

"Yeah," Willow sneered. Xander did a take. Willow almost never sneered. "Those two should get married."

Neither Xander nor Anya noticed Willow's eyes as she spoke those words. How they literally glowed for the briefest of moments.

"Maybe!" Anya seemed to be taking this idea seriously. Willow nearly gagged, as usual annoyed at Xander's girlfriend but now seething. Unfortunately, the redhead knew her well enough to be cruel.

"Anya, you know what Xander should do for you?" Even Anya caught the venom in her voice this time. She looked nonplussed. "Buy you a pet. A pretty, little, cute, adorable...bunny." For some reason nobody understood Anya was terrified of rabbits. Her reaction was pretty much what Willow expected--her face lost every trace of color and and she stepped back, aghast.

"That's not funny." Anya shuddered. "Xander, tell her not to threaten me like that! Xander?"

He was shutting the door behind him, on the way out. "Xander!"

Anya looked back at Willow. "See what you made him do!"

"Me?!"

Further warfare was prevented by the phone ringing. "Probably Giles," muttered Willow as she rushed to answer it, beating Anya by about half a second. "Hello?"

"Ah, Willow."

"Hello Giles." Of course.

"I was trying to reach Xander."

"Out."

"Oh. Well, I was going to call you as well."

"Yeah, I'll bet."

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing."

"Yes. Well, Faith, you see--well, she is back--and---and--well, I think you should come over here. Xander, too, if you see him. And Anya, I suppose."

Willow let out a long, exasperated sigh. "All right."

* * *

During the long walk from Xander's parents' house to Giles' apartment, Willow's mood mellowed. Even the presence of Anya (who'd taken far too long in writing a letter for when Xander got back) couldn't nudge her out of a funk. Anya wasn't blind. She realized her boyfriend's best chum was sad. The reason why was obvious as well. But all she could do was make what she believed were sympathetic replies.

Some of them even were.

"I know what you mean, Willow." Anya nodded sagely. She tended to do that on the subject of failed love affairs. "One minute he's the center of your universe, the next he's treating you like toilet paper."

"Actually..."

"Used toilet paper."

"Thanks for the image."

"You're welcome."

"But that's not what's getting me. Its--I don't know. Yes I do."

Anya listened. She really didn't have anything to say in reply.

"Okay, Anya. You have Xander. Between you there's the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing. Buffy and Faith are both Slayers. Now that she's back Buffy'll spend more time with her. Plus maybe Buffy'll get her own boyfriend. Giles is...well, he's Giles. The point is, I don't have anybody who'd just there for me. Somebody who's mine, you know? That's what I want right now. Someone for me!" Neither noticed the slight glow in her eyes as she said this last.

They nearly walked into the figure before them, as if she hadn't been there one fraction of a second before. Willow did a take as she recognized the face of Tara Maclay.

"Oh!" said Willow.

"Uh, hi." said Anya.

"How did I get here?" asked Tara.

Willow and Anya looked at each other for a moment before the former tried an answer. "Plane?"

For the first time, Willow saw Tara smile. Hers was surprisingly pretty, if sedate. "I don't think so," she answered quietly. "Five seconds ago I was in Los Angeles."

Everybody took that in for a moment. The first one to think of something to say was Anya. "Weird." Followed by more silence. At last Willow decided to say something.

"Uh...I like your glasses."

Tara wasn't wearing her eyepatch. Instead, a stylish set of sunglasses--tinted ovals in gold frames--perched on her nose. The blonde vampire shrugged. "Less conspicuous this way."

"Guess so."

"How are you, Willow?"

"Fine!"

"Truly?"

"Well, not really. Fact is, I've been really down since Oz left, and--Thanks, by the way, for saving my life." Willow noticed Anya's unsuccessful attempts to subtly pull her to the side. "Excuse me..."

Anya pulled her over three yards away and whispered frantically. "Do you really think you should be talking to a vampire on a deserted street in the middle of the night?"

"Early evening," Tara called out to them. Anya's expression brought a grin to Willow's lips. She'd forgotten how good a vampire's senses were.

"If Tara wanted to drain me, she's had plenty of opportunity."

Anya didn't look placated. "What about me?"

Willow looked back at Tara, who actually cut quite a figure with her dark green trenchcoat under the street lamp. "Um, Tara?"

"Yes?"

"Promise not to bite Anya?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Thanks." Willow headed back to under the street lamp. Anya followed, albeit reluctantly. But once there, neither seemed to know what they should say. Tara herself had no such qualms.

"Either of you know how I was teleported back to Sunnydale?"

Two heads shaking as one.

"Any random magical spells occurring?"

Identically, they shook their heads again.

"But," said Willow, "we're on our way over to Giles. Maybe he's heard something, or has an idea, maybe?"

Tara nodded. "I don't mind."

"Of course there are a couple of vampire slayers there," piped in Anya, "but if that doesn't bother you."

"Faith got back alright?"

Willow found herself bridling a little at the question. "Evidently."

"Good."

"So--you and Faith are together? Were--were together?"

"Faith did me a favor." Willow took this in. She took it in for several minutes as the three young women--two living, one undead--made their way across Sunnydale. As they neared Giles' apartment, Willow started to speak again.

"Just so you'll know," she began, "Buffy thinks maybe you're a special case or something. For a vampire, I mean. What with you helping us and all, and because you saved my life. Thanks again, by the way."

"You're welcome."

"Why did you?" Anya asked.

"Anya...!" Willow hissed.

"I'd like to know!"

Willow looked back at the vampire. "You don't have to..."

Tara seemed to ponder the question seriously. "Actually, that's a good question. You're only human. A friend of a Slayer, no less. On the other hand, I'm a demon who drinks human blood to survive. Plus I'm exactly the kind of demon the Slayer, slays."

"Maybe," Anya suggested, "you were preserving a food supply? Like protecting cattle from stray wolves?" She smiled at coming up with this analogy. Willow stared at her. Hard.

"I suppose that might be it."

"Getting rid of poachers."

Tara shrugged.

"Maintaining your herd."

"I think," interrupted Willow, "that's enough."

"Of course," said Tara, "there's more to it than that."

"Really?" asked Willow. She looked expectantly at the vampire, waiting for an elaboration. Tara in turn looked at her.

"Aren't you going to knock?"

"Hm?" Belatedly, Willow realized they had reached Giles' apartment. With a nervous laugh, she rang the doorbell. A silence-filled moment later, Giles himself opened the door--and stared at their companion.

"Hi Giles!"

"Yes. Hello, Willow. And Anya. I...I didn't expect you to bring...anyone else." The Watcher actually looked more frazzled than usual, even more than Willow thought he might under the circumstances.

"My being here is a mystery to me as well," said Tara calmly. "Ten minutes ago I was in Los Angeles. Suddenly, I'm back here."

"Yes, that is certainly mysterious."

"WILLOW? IS THAT YOU?" Buffy's voice called from inside. If anything, Giles now looked even more distracted. The blonde Slayer's voice sounded giddy. She stepped--or rather, ran, into view. Next to her--hand in hand--ran Faith. And both girls were grinning ear to ear.

"Uh, hi Buffy."

"I've got news!" Buffy nearly bounced up and down. Willow noticed how Giles hastily plastered a smile on his face once Buffy approached. What was going on? In reply to her unanswered question, Buffy looked at Faith. They each wore mutual expressions of worship and joy. Faith was the one who spoke.

"WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!"

* * *

Tara watched the people around her feeling something she often didn't--amusement.

Over five minutes had passed since Faith's happy announcement and the confusion that followed. Giles hadn't wanted to invite her into his home, but Willow had insisted. He'd then done his best to be a polite if unenthusiastic host. This particular chair was quite comfortable. And it let her see Willow, whose ever-growing eyes simply would not leave the figures of Buffy and Faith. Both Slayers shared the same seat, and very nearly the same space. Their snuggling was enthusiastic enough to rouse a touch of jealousy in Tara. Anya watched them as she might a pair of interesting, colorful insects building a nest. Off in the corner, Wesley was pouring over a small hill of old books.

"So," asked Giles, "a teleportation spell, you say?"

"Presumably," answered Tara. "At least that would account for how I got here."

"Typically, that is a rather advanced form of magic."

"I know."

Giles stole a glance at Willow, who tore her eyes away from the nuzzling Slayers long enough to look indignant. "Not me! I haven't been doing anything to do with teleportation. Honest!"

"Yes, alright." Giles pondered this for a few moments. "Well, I suppose one question to ask is--what did whoever-did-this expect to accomplish? What does he or she gain from sending you here?" Tara shrugged. "Perhaps a better question--what were you doing just before you...arrived?"

"Feeding."

"Oh." The temperature in the room dropped.

"There are places you can go where humans gather who actually want to be bitten. Goths, mostly. A few masochists here and there. Its a way to feed without leaving piles of corpses lying around. Handy."

Buffy and Faith stared at her, apparently startled out of their spooning by this revelation. "That's kinda icky," declared Buffy. "Hey," said her raven-haired companion, "whatever floats yer boat." Buffy looked dubious.

"Yes, well--was there anything out the ordinary about your...this event?"

Tara thought about it. "No."

"What about your victim?"

"They prefer to be called donors."

"What do you call them?" asked Willow, an interested look on her face.

"Vampires have all sorts of names for them. 'Trick' and 'Slurpie' usually, but 'Cow' is getting to be common."

"How interesting," Giles said hurriedly, "but perhaps the specific...er, Cow..."

"Donor"

"Donor...in question might provide a clue?"

Tara thought about it. "Just a bored rich kid with bit of a blood fetish." She nearly gave a description of her Meal--slender, short red hair, maybe an inch shorter than herself--but decided against it. "A regular, actually."

"YES!" cried out Wesley from the table of books in back. "Confirmed! Giles--do you know what this is?" The younger Englishman looked as excited as Tara had ever seen him. In one hand he held a familiar-looking scroll. Good. All was going according to plan, then. Everybody looked as Wesley joined them, eyes ablaze.

"This," he said dramatically, "is the Prophecies of Abergion!" Mostly what he got back were blank looks. "They've been lost for centuries" he added plaintively.

"Good for you, Wesley," said Willow at last, "but we're on something else right now."

"I don't think you understand..."

"Wesley," Giles tried to intervene.

"...these prophecies are among the most important ever recorded. Armies have marched, kingdoms been destroyed over rumors of its location! I am having a bit of trouble with the translation, since its been transcribed from several extinct languages, some of them not even human, but with time..."

"That's good, Wesley," said Willow. "And you know, I'll be glad to help out. Later. But right now..."

"Not needed" interrupted Wesley with a smile. A condescending smile. One which did nothing for Willow's mood as far as Tara could see. "In fact, you probably aren't yet qualified to help with this level of translation. Given some time, and the proper assistance, I'm positive we'll have what it says soon."

"Fine." Willow didn't snap. Not quite. Tara managed not to smile. "But right now we've got a mystery to solve."

"Such as," the younger Watcher seemed to notice Tara for the first time, "why there's a vampire in the room?"

"Kinda."

"And why no one's killing it?"

"Wesley!" The redhead stood and glared at him. She was clearly furious, and clearly didn't really know how to be. "You--just--ZIP IT!" And then pounced back down to her chair. Privately, Tara thought she'd never looked cuter, all resolutely peeved and sorry but not sorry for it at the same time. Then, Willow's face changed. She looked shocked, horrified.

Tara looked to see what Willow and everyone else was staring it--Wesley. Specifically, his mouth. Even Wesley himself was nearly cross-eyed as he tried to get a better look at what just happened.

Instead of lips, he now had a zipper. A very firmly shut zipper. From behind it, a muffled whimper. He tentatively touched the metal weirdness where his mouth used to be. Then, he looked at Willow.

So did everyone else.

* * *

Wesley tried to talk and couldn't, then both Buffy and Faith tried to unzip his "mouth." They found out the hard way that...hurt. A lot. So Giles suggested aspirin, then quickly followed that idea with ice.

And Willow watched, quietly panicking inside. Tara sat beside her.

"Hey!" Anya's raised voiced got everybody's attention. "Don't any of you realize what this means?" She sounded almost terrified. Nobody answered, so she stamped her foot. "Willow did some kind of spell so everything she said is happening!"

"No I didn't! And, and even if I did--which I didn't--I don't have the power to do something like that. I don't think. Which I wasn't trying to do anyway besides its not like I go around wishing bad things on people. As a rule. Hardly ever. Really."

"Actually," said Tara, "it looks as if you are the one triggering the magic that's been happening." Her eyes gestured around the room, at the zippered Watcher as well as the two Slayers practically joined at the hip. "Maybe an unintended side effect of a spell you might not even have believed did anything."

"Oh."

"In which case, only you can undo it."

There was a knock on the door. Anya jumped. "No," she whimpered. "Don't answer it!"

Giles waved a placating hand at her while heading for the front door. "Noooooooo...!"

The front door swung open to reveal Xander, all smiles and holding something behind his back. "Guess what I got my favorite girlfriend?" With a terrible chill, Willow suddenly knew what he'd done. Just as Anya obviously also knew. He'd obeyed Willow's will. To the letter.

From behind his back Xander brought forth a small cage containing a cute white bunny. It wiggled its nose at the room.

Anya started screaming in terror.

Willow started chanting.

TO BE CONTINUED